Dreams – Depression – Dawn

Feb 14, 2011 on a Valentine’s day my grandfather died. This was the first death I saw in the family and I was in my mid-twenties. He was 91 years old and had a peaceful death, as one hour before death he had his morning tea at 7 AM and conversed with his friend who meets him everyday early morning. He went to sleep after tea and did not wake up! What a beautiful Death! Everyone would wish their death is so peaceful, isn’t it?! Atleast I would love Death if it comes this way!

After that day until Feb 14, 2021 my life became Mystic! I had to come face to face with an unsolved puzzle for ten long years. I am a Competitive person, I never give-up anything and try and try till I succeed. If I can’t, I gain the required knowledge, expertise and try again until I taste success. That says I am also Hard-working and Smart working! Out-of-the Box thinker I should say, who finds solutions with patience and keen observations.

DREAM

My Dreams! My lifetime aim, goal, the reason for my energy and motivation has all been to become a Supermom! I studied hard, learnt culinary skills, took up jobs that have work-life balance. Learnt job skills for which I can get a job anywhere in my country so that I can relocate with my future husband so that my future children can have both parents with them always. Learnt two-wheeler and car driving so that I can drive my children to school and back. I wanted to have three children, breaking the family planning pattern of two babies in my country. I wanted all my three children to look like me because I always felt I have a beautiful face. I was thrilled in my dreams to see how my babies would look like if they copied my appearance! I never took alcohol in life or any harmful food that could affect my uterus in anyway. I never take pills for any pain. I made beautiful friendships in my life so that my future children could play with my friend’s kids who where my darlings! Yes! they loved their aunty so much.

Beyond this I also wanted to be an academician in the long run so that I can spend most of my lifetime interacting with children of all ages. I have a master’s in engineering, but as a teacher I had the attitude to teach children from kinder garden to graduation. I have the mother’s heart for all age groups. I have also tried teaching LKG kids for 2 days, I enjoyed the experience. Less than 5-year-old are very naughty! they don’t sit in one place and keep running around. But once they connect with us and start liking us, they are the darlings and a delight to teach.

I have taught English and Mathematics to 7th Grade kids for one year on weekends. They loved their teacher so much that they would come running and hug my legs screamingly as I entered the class. They enjoyed studying with me and each one would try to get my attention by showing they solved a Math. I used to check each of them individually and they enjoyed studying. On the last day of my classes a boy who was a total introvert and would cry and lie down in the last bench as he had an inferiority complex that he cant understand or speak English walked up to me. I was surprised! He Shaked hands with me saying “Thank you” with a big smile and glittering eyes!  I made him feel English is easy, that thankfulness I can never forget in my life!

I have taught my juniors from school to college on many occasions, I have always loved sharing notes with my friends. I would clarify any doubts if I knew the concepts well. I shared my education in abundance! But psychologically I was training myself to teach my future children. I was taking teaching practices.

DEPRESSION

We use the word Depression very casually saying “I am depressed”, “It is very depressing”. The negative connotation the word can have on our emotion is too risky. Its better to use the word “Sad” instead of using the word “Depressed”. I am saying this because clinical depression is something different. I have myself seen a patient with clinical depression who was a Doctor by profession. You can imagine how much an intellect he will be as he was a government doctor. But sadly! he was repeating just two sentences for all 24 hours. His mind was blank with no knowledge when I met him. What we speak doesn’t reach his brain.  But within the next two months he was normal and back to work with treatment and therapy.

What happens to normal people is any sadness, be it Death or Disaster! we face, we recover from the sadness within 3 to 5 days and our mind would bounce back to normal. Atleast crying stops and we start eating and try to do day to day chores. When next challenge in life comes, we forget the past and strive hard to face life as it comes! This is human nature. I am born in a country where death is celebrated by playing music, dance, bursting crackers and feast for relatives! It’s a good practice and psychologically helps mind to recover from grief faster.

On the day of my grandfather’s death, I never cried. Instead, I was cracking jokes and speaking of all funny things he would do and taking pride about how much a good hearted and straight forward person he was. My jokes brought lots of laughter in the air rather than cries. What better send-off we can give a man who lived a disciplined life and had a good health until the last day of death.

I never cry for anything! Instead, I look for solutions to solve the problems. Its my second nature! It could also be because I love Mathematics very much. Any health issue or parent’s health does not affect me. Because I detach myself from the problem and see how I can get them back to normal health. Financial issues do not affect me! again this could be because I am good at Mathematics.

For the first time in my life! I cried and cried for no reason in March 2021. I am saying no reason because nobody hurt me, all was perfect around me! All loved me! But my DREAMs got shattered! Something which never existed, my Children! Was never going to happen for lifetime is the reason for my cries! I did not want to wake up in the morning and face the world. I wished the world ends or my breath stops!

My mind was ringing about going for adoption, having baby by treatment with sperm donor. But my dream was to have my children along with their father. A child will need Father’s love to be happy! I can’t substitute it was my greatest grief. I felt old, lost, fatigued, stupid! Ten years of prayers did not bring to me the simple pleasure in life that a cat, dog, cow, lion, tiger, rich or poor people and all living creatures in the world enjoy, the pleasure of having their own offspring was the cause of my grief! And the path I travelled in the ten years made me tired and lost! Sleep was my solace.

DAWN

 The morning sunrise is the best therapist I have met after this point in my life! It was lockdown time. I couldn’t meet friends or travel around. I couldn’t find the right person to talk to over phone even. My problem was unique that only I could handle. People felt sorry for me! But their Empathy made me cry more. The difficult part was my day-to-day life! The food that I ate, the dress that I wore, the cooking I did, the children whom I met, and all my habits reminded me of my shattered dreams. I would lock myself in the room, cry, and sleep for some time until I felt ok again. The sunlight that pierced through my window would wake me up and console me at these times.

One thing, I was waking up only at 11 AM or after in the morning every day. Many old memories pushed me back in bed saying sleep! you need not exist in the world or show your face to anyone. This was a brief period only in my life, say may be 3 to 4 days to a week only may be. But that was the Alarm!!! I realized I had to get back my mind and body to normal otherwise I will be lost forever!!! I had to find solution with just a pen and a paper in hand!

I wrote down:

  1. People whom I wanted to meet after the lockdown was relaxed (my friends and family)
  2. Places I wanted to visit (Goa, Andamans)
  3. New skills I wanted to learn
  4. Things I wanted to buy that I needed the most (casual clothes, skirts, and tees)
  5. Exercise routines I wanted to start (Yoga, Walking)
  6. The books that I wanted to read, that was resting in the shelves unread. (Sivakamiyin sabadham, Tamil book) simply because it was difficult for me to read and I needed to concentrate more. It’s a good mind trainer.
  7. Writing Gratitude and self-praise notes.
  8. Writing Blogs in the wordpress page instead of travelogues so that I can write on any topic
  9. Not to blame anybody and to be thankful for the past!

After I wrote down these points my journey from March 2021 to Dec 2021 was like:

  1. Bought an Alarm clock. Keep alarm at 6 AM, I get up or not is immaterial, but wanted something to disturb my sleep. Kept a calendar in my sight so that I wake up to see calendar and realize the month and date. I see the Sun everyday after I get up, felt the heat. Then gulped half a liter water seeing the sunrise so that I don’t go back to bed again.
  2. I met my cousin and took a small half an hour task in their business for me to do every day. Trying new things are good for mind! Then, I met my friend and gave a micro advertisement for her boutique by modeling simply because I have never done it before.  New things are like sugar to mind!
  3.  I went on trek to Ahobilam simply because I have never gone there before. New challenges are good for the body. Our body gets pushed to do tougher things. The scenic beautiful places are good for mind. Brings lot of peace.
  4. I started reading books extensively on all topics except technical books. Because all my work and study brought me memories of my shattered dreams. These days I got to know about many woman authors and the book world that I did not know before.
  5. Started cycling and ventured around to many places. The December morning chill weather and sunrise are so pleasing and motivating that I completed riding 100 kms in 20 days in non-gear cycle.

Now feeling accomplished to have a perfect body and mind to be competitive again. I am back on race competing with myself every day. Thanks to the SUN, the Moon and the Stars that I try to watch every day. Nature’s energy and motivation are unmatchable. Most important thing in life is we should know When to Start and when to STOP! Just like The Sun raises in the morning but sets in the evening. I am off my dreams! I love myself and don’t want children. I STOP!

Nowadays I am getting up between 5.30 AM to 7 AM without an alarm. Sign of good health! Below is the sunrise picture I captured today. DAWN!

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